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I was in the middle of the best vacation ever when Libby asked me to share my journey on her blog. 

"My journey? Of course!" I replied. 

Immediately after I hit send I realized she didn't want a recount of my European adventures. She wasn't asking about the one where my carry-on was filled to the brim with strategically planned outfits and souvenirs. 

Nope, not that journey. The journey she was asking about is much less "first class". I think I'll just slide on back to coach for this one. Actually, I find myself seated somewhere in the back, nestled between a large unwanted travel companion and the tiny bathroom.

Get the picture? 

Infertility. 

What a cozy little word. I could tell you stories of crying fits, pouts, doubts, and the likes. The mountains and valleys of this journey make me feel like I'm on a nightmare roller coaster at times. 

WHY is probably the number one question. 

WHY not me? 

WHY them? AGAIN? 

WHY her? 

But, why? because when I turn to my Creator - He doesn't answer those questions. When I turn to Him, here is what He says: 

The plan I have for you is GOOD - trust me. 

I am your help in times of trouble - trust me. 

You can rest beneath the shadow of my wings - trust me. 

I will give you the desires of your heart - trust me. 

I am the Author and Creator of Life - trust me. 

My love is better than life - trust me. 

There have been tests and there have been procedures, sleepless nights and screaming fights. 

But it all comes down to this: DO I TRUST HIM?

His promises are true. His word is eternal. His nearness is all around me. The God of the universe knows my name and my story. He wrote it, for heaven's sake. What He asks of me and of you is that we live our story well, in a way that brings Him glory and honor. 

I don't know why the pitter-patter of little feet are those of doggies and not of babies in my home. But I trust Him. I don't know why He has chosen me for this, but I know that He has used this thorn in my flesh to draw me close to Him. 

I've never known I needed Him like I KNOW I need Him now. I ache for His presence. I long to be alone with Him. I trust Him. 

But, it doesn't stop there. I wish it did.

I wish I could say that I live on a high from spending time with Jesus, but it is a struggle. Sometimes I can barely see above my circumstances and my disappointment. I think, "Ok, God, I got it. I've mastered the lessons You've been teaching me through this and will take that positive pregnancy test now." 

And then another negative test.

The physical excruciating and emotionally unbearable monthly reminder of despair is usually enough for me to LOSE IT. I have cried out to God but I have also, embarrassingly, screamed my WHY's at Him. But, this I know: He forgives and He is faithful and He is trustworthy. 

It's a daily perseverance that we must have if we are to walk this road the way He intended us to. He can handle our questions and our tears, but ultimately we must submit to His plan for our lives. 

My prayer for you and for me is that we pick up our luggage stuffed with FAITH, HOPE, & LOVE and truly enjoy our journey, not with infertility but with the best travel guide\companion there is - our Creator, our Savior, our Lord because... 

HE (and He alone) is better than life. 

 

Caroline Jones resides in the beautiful state of Arkansas with her husband, Matt, and their two adorable pups: Troop & Lucy. 

 

 

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