Our second leading lady for #thedawnisbreaking series is my beautiful friend, Megan Allen. Megan resides in KC with her husband, Nick, +  where she owns Bella Patina. (If you are in the KC area, check it out!) She is full of life & reminds daily of what true faith is. We bonded by finding our husbands young in life + getting married the summer of 2009 after four years of dating. Then again, God brought Megan into my life when we both struggled with infertility after a couple years of marriage. Megan was someone who I could message & also brought me Jesus. Her blog post today shows the core of who Megan is and it is someone I long to be like. She is full of wisdom & grace. Here is Megan's story...  

Follow Megan on Instagram as she welcomes her baby girl! 

 he is enough

I've always had dreams and passions, but there was always one that exceeded them all. I've always wanted to be a mom. For as long as I can remember I knew that I wanted to be a mom. My husband Nick and I agreed when we were dating, we both wanted a large family. No question about it. 

When we prepared to reach the three year mark in our marriage we began anticipating a season of growing our family with children. We had no idea what the journey would be ahead of us. 

For the next 2 1/2 years we walked in a season of infertility. When we began the process of trying to get pregnant we could not fathom the depths of grief and sorrow and frustration and anger that we would feel as every month yielded another negative pregnancy test. 

Initially you chalk this up to all sorts of crazy and odd reasons as to why you didn't get pregnant. Always adjusting the next month certain that it will be the factor that will make sure you get pregnant. But after a year of trying we knew we needed to seek help. 

There we were sitting in the doctors office and the doctor without hesitation dropped that heavy word on me. That terrifying word that confirmed what I head feared. "Infertility". Immediately I began weeping as this declaration was made about my circumstance. Fear and uncertainty washed over me. Will I ever have a biological child? Is there something wrong with me? 

So we prayed that God would lead us to get pregnant and held onto the belief that it was only going to take just a little bit longer while also working through a series of tests to try and determine what was wrong. 

Each month we would pray and hope that this would be the month that we would be pregnant, but as every month passed we were broken down and exhausted by this monthly reminder, "you are not pregnant"

On a Sunday morning at church we sang a song called "Satisfied". We were struck by the overwhelming reality of the goodness of our Savior. 
We knew that the part of our souls that called out longingly for the desire to have a baby was skewed. Marred by the brokenness of this world, we had begun believing that having a baby would satisfy our deepest longings and needs. So we resolved that this song would be our prayer, that by the empowering of the Holy Spirit we would find our ultimate satisfaction in Jesus. 

We were by no means there. We needed God to bring us to this place where we could say "You are enough". That He would be a greater gift than any child we would be able to have. We prayed that He would not be a means to an end and that we wouldn't seek Him only for a child. Instead we prayed that He would give us more of Himself, that no matter what happened we would find ourselves more in love with Him. 

And the good news is this, He answered our prayers. He continually gifted us with more of His peace, more of His mercy, and more of His refuge. He became for us a cool spring in a dry and weary time. During this time we leaned heavily on our brothers and sisters in our Gospel Community who walked along side us, grieved with us, prayed for us, and encouraged us in Christ. They continually administered grace to us and loved us when all we felt we could do was shake our fists in anger and for that we are deeply grateful. It was our leader Josh who asked one night "Who is God if you never get pregnant?" And by the grace of God we could say "He is good. He is holy. He is enough." 

Our entire relationship we have felt called to adopt. We hadn't felt like the time was right for us to adopt yet, but the cost of fertility treatments and the cost of adoption were continually being weighed against each other and we began praying about when we should cease medical intervention and begin adoption. 

It was during this time that God truly settled our souls and brought us the overwhelming peace to say "No matter if we never have a biological child, Your grace is sufficient for us". Please hear this point, because it is the reality of our story. Jesus is the satisfaction of our souls and whatever it is that we might long for, it will never satisfy the parts of our being that are continually longing to feel complete. In Him is our life and breath and hope. He meets our every need and meets the needs we don't know that we have. He poured out His love and grace and mercy on the cross, removing the debt of our sin and bringing us into the family of God. All of this was without any merit of our own, no good deed, no nice intentions, completely a gift of God. And the gift He gave was Himself.

 

Jesus is the satisfaction of our souls and whatever it is that we might long for, it will never satisfy the parts of our being that are continually longing to feel complete.
— Megan Allen

But we were floored and overwhelmed by His steadfast love and incredible grace toward us. That He would not only give His life for us, but that He would give us millions of other gifts in this life. And one of those gifts is the gift of becoming pregnant. In less than 5 weeks we will give birth to our baby girl. 

Why share this story? Why not just keep this personal and private and then avoid all the messy stuff that comes with talking about infertility? Because I did not want to sit in my suffering. I wanted to be honest about the hard places of life and how Jesus brings peace and healing there. After sharing our story on social media we were asked to share our story in a class focused on infertility at our church with other couples who have struggled and still are struggling. What God taught us is that the promised land of infertility is not pregnancy, it's God. The only happy ending to our story is not "we got a baby", it is "we have Jesus". 

 

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