I always wanted to see one or maybe even two. Everyone does.
Thousands tuned in to watch "Touched by an Angel" for heaven's sake.
When I was a little girl, I use to pretend I was Moses parting the Red Sea. I would proudly chant "Cowabunga!" when it split because that is what every true 90's kid would say when they saw one - a true vivid miracle.
Yet, I wondered if I ever was really going to see one for myself. A miracle created just for me.
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My husband and I may not ever be able to conceive biological children. My husband and I cannot go and get our child. We cannot scheme or beg to get our children safely home. We can't do anything but pray and be.
I never knew how much of a "control freak" I was until life and circumstances brought me so low that all I could do was surrender.
I have never enjoyed pain. I take the elevator instead of the stairs most days so I do not have to experience the labor of walking four flights of stairs. I have never marched in the band of suffering with joy or acceptance. I usually fling my arms up - kicking and screaming - as I go. I usually try to "help God" with situations and take them in my own hands for my own comfort and ease thinking that I am helping the situation instead of marring it. Pain is something that I have tried to avoid at all points in my life.
Yet, I couldn't escape the pain of infertility. These last three years, I have walked in pain, but the most miraculous thing took place. I learned pain is a gift. It forced me to take my eyes off my self and place my eyes onto others and the bigness of my Savior. It forced me to raise my white flag and lay flat on my face shouting, "I can't do this, but You can."
I once perceived blessings as His only kindness, but never have I known Him sweeter than down in the valley holding my hand. Pain is a gift. It shows us the heart of God - the Comforter, Restorer, and Friend. He was a man, acquainted with sorrows and familiar with grief (Isaiah 53:3). He knows the path of pain and that is what makes Him the best comforter.
I received the sweetest letter after we announced our adoption. She wrote, "I am reminded of my own prayers and how through it all God has been so faithful through every disappointment and heartache. I am heading to my last day of Chemo this morning tears fall as I read your prayer from 2013..."
Tears fell as I read her words... "last day of Chemo"... she knew pain. She knew disappointment. She knew nights of fear and questions of "Why?" But, she embraced it. Pain - if we embrace it- it breeds compassion. It enlarges our hearts for those who have been wounded by life. It lets us know Him in the most intimate way - you have to lose your life to find it. I found life in Him.
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Ike and I smiled the other night as we sat there and thought,
"All our children will be miracles."
All our babies were "not supposed to be".
We are on the path to our miracles and I smile and think, He is creating miracles for me.
*** Thank you for your love, support, and comments.****